Escaping Nostalgia

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Arpita.20. College Girl.Desi.Aries.USA.
photography, eyeliner, poetry, inspiration, peace, ice cream, Adam Lambert, nature, travel

My blog says things I will never be able to say.
"Behind every cynic, lies a bitter dreamer."

Senior Year HS Diary
Summer 2012 Diary
College Freshman 2012-2013 Diary
College Sophomore 2013-2014 Diary
Summer 2014 Diary

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End of the Year Reflection

wow. So Freshmen year of college is over. Now I know why they say that the college years are your best years. This year was more than I ever imagined it would be. I spent all of last summer so excited but nervous as hell. and then when I moved in, I was like, omg, how am I going to make friends? how will I handle everything? what am i going to do? but the first week of college(welcome week) and classes and everything would have to be one of the most fun and best weeks of my life. I met the most amazing people. and what surprised me the most was that our whole floor was so friendly and open to meeting each other. we became a family so quickly and always hung out in the common room. I stayed in my room though mostly until i couldn’t concentrate anymore and then I started hanging out in the common room and that is when I made my best friends. The original family would always be Brooke,Dan,Logan,Ajith,and I. I remember our late night chem study sessions.  that first semester was the most perfect. Like Dan said, it was truly a dream because everything was so perfect. I had so much fun. we had time to hang out with everyone. friendships were strengthened and I remember being SO so so happy. A happiness I didn’t feel for a very long time. On the second day of classes in college, I met Christine and Meranda in math class. and lol, they were sitting together and I was like a seat or 2 away and they were talking. and I heard that they were both freshmen and really scared to start this math class. and I am sitting here thinking, hey! I am a freshmen and also terrified of starting this class. so I decided to talk to them. and that is one of the best things I ever did LOL. eavesdrop on their conversation. cause we became friends so quickly and they made me SO happy. my schedule, my classes, everything was just so perfect that semester. there were downs but it did not compare at all for the amount of fun I had. Let’s see what I remember:
-hanging out with Logan,Ajith,and Brooke in Logan’s room
-that one night we all hung out in Ibaad’s and Dan’s room, watching Kat Williams and messing around.
-looking at stars and meteor showers late at night!
-having enough time to watch movies and tv shows late at night
-lol, that one time Ajith and I  went to the library late at night and spent like an hour choosing what to watch, only to find out we won’t be able to check them out. LOL. he was right, I would look back and laugh at that 
-Christine, Meranda, and I squirrel hunting.
-OMG, the UMBC squirrel
-having a thanksgiving skype session with Brooke,Dan,and Ajith cause it was the longest we were away from each other and we had to skype.
-all the premed events that we actually planned and went to
-Rose and I having a caterpillar as a pet
-apple picking
-going to the Raven’s stadium!
-all those times Ajith and I scared each other omg
-Having Dr. Hrabowski come to Patapsco and I actually got to ask him a question AND get a picture with him!♥

there are SO many more and I will go through my entire diary one day to see what I did. =] but yeah, that whole semester was a dream. then I went to winter break for 1 and a half months and it went from such happiness to me being depressed. I wanted to go back. reality had hit me. I don’t know how I survived that long. maybe cause talking to a friend every day helped me count down the days. and then second semester came. 
Second semester started off SO well. all the new classes scared me but I had 3 classes with Habibi. ahahaha. all of us had some classes with him and us girls were like omg, we have gone so far! HAHA. we always met at starbucks after bio, during lunch. and that is when our group was established. and for a while, it was the best thing ever. but second semester had it’s downs for me. but it was still more than anything.
-superbowl night at the sportszone!! so much fun, it was snowing and brooke,ajith,and I took pics
-waving at strangers
-doing social experiments with people
-the Harlem Shake school dance
-Gangnum style school dance
-my surprise birthday party heehee
-drinking for the first time with Lolo!
-getting drunk for the first time with errybody
-lol watching Indian movies with Ajith
-orgy parties
-MACKLEMORE (first concert)
-foam party omg
-taking stalker pictures
-late night mcdonald and walmart runs
-late night Amnesia scares


Just sooo much. I had so many new experiences this semester. And although I wasn’t nearly as happy this semester, even with the lows, I wouldn’t take anything back because it was all with people I care about the most. I am so nostalgic, hence my tumblr name, and all I will think about for a while is how much I will miss this year and how things used to be. because i know nothing will ever be the same again and this is something I have to learn to deal with and accept. maybe I never will and I will always be yearning for something that will never come back. but I have to learn a way to move on so that I can make something of my life. I am truly blessed and thankful for my friends and all that I have. there is just something inside of me that keeps on telling me that I will never really be happy though, no matter what. and sometimes I think, idk, that I deserve something good for once but I don’t think life is for me. I’m just not strong enough. I just have to accept things and let things go and i wish I knew how to do that. I see these people who are always so chill and just go with the flow. they don’t worry about anything, they don’t put so much value to things nearly as much as I do and they are just so happy. and I am here always thinking with something on my mind, always worrying about something, and I wish I knew how to let go of things. 
I thank my Mommy and my brother for helping me prepare for college all last summer. this summer, it’s going to be for my brother lol. Thank you for being there no matter what and hopefully one day, I will be strong enough to take charge of my own life. 
This summer is going to be a lot of thinking for me and preparing for whatever may happen next year. I hate change but I have to accept it. and the friends that still want to be a part of my life next year will be. and I have to deal with that. hopefully I will see them this summer! I also need to do extremely well the next 3 years and let go of a lot of things. but here is to counting down the days for 3 months till sophomore year. It was great being a freshmen! JAdjsijdiasdj Thank you thank you thank you again to all of the friends that I made that made this first year so special. <3
I am going to write about everyone here just so I remember how everyone impacted me..cause I’m sappy like that. Here we go:

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Tues.May 21,2013: Last Day of School

Today, I got out of bed at like 12. I really wasn’t in the mood to get up or do anything. But then Ajith came and was like, are you getting food? and I was like no cause I didn’t even feel like eating. but then i got up cause I was like uhh, I have to pack and stuff. so I got ready. ajith had to take a shower so I used the time to pack. then I saw Dan and I returned his cup. and then he was like, ok after ajith is done, we need to talk. so after ajith came, us 3 had a deep talk. all I can say is that I love that boy no matter what. omg dammit, I wanted a picture with my floor boys. urgggg. anyway, we did our handshake after a longggg time. and then Ajith,Dan,and I went to the commons for lunch. on the way though, we saw Ruba and said bye to her cause she was going off campus and then off to Pakistan. so that was our last goodbye. then we went and got salsaritasss. when we were getting drinks,we saw Brooke! and Dan was like, we need an original family picture. I love him ahaha, I am glad things like this mean that much to him. Chris took the picture for us. it was cuteee. then Dan took us to the SGA office to eat which was interesting lol. After lunch, Dan and I went to the bookstore cause I wanted to see what sales they had. Ajith went to see his boss at work for a while. there was nothing good =/ but I wanted to use money so we went to starbucks. and then we talked and dan realized we didn’t ride the retriever. So we told Ajith and he came over quickly cause his Dad was going to come soon. lol, they took their pictures. SOO cute. then we rushed back. I started packing. tolu was there to say bye! Ajith left at 3. omg I had SOOO much stuff. by the time we were ready to leave, it was 6. lol uhh,  signed my room and the common room with my signature and no body will ever know. I got home by 6:30. and here starts my summer break. I have no idea what I am going to do for the next 3 months. I wish I knew so I could always stay busy and keep my mind off of things. 

It’s weird being at home and I don’t think it has hit me yet that freshmen year is actually, really over. I’m just in denial. I ate my Mommy’s food though after a long time which was nice. and it was nice seeing my Mom again. I went to bed at like 10:30. and couldn’t sleep so I was just online. lol, I had a nice, deep conversation with Dipal. we talked about life. It was funny and sad. omg he took Sarang’s phone and added one of my friends and he didn’t accept. LOL. oh Lord. well, I went to sleep at 1:30. here starts the nights where I won’t be able to fall asleep. urggg jdfdifdf. 

Hello Summer. =]

Mon. May 20,2013:Last Finals

I had been up since 7. I had my chem lab final at 8. literally just went over stuff on the way there. but the test was a joke. omg. it was sooo easy. thank the Lord. right after that though, I got breakfast and then came back to pataps. went over bio really quickly till the bio final at 10:30 -__- took that. then went to chick fil a, got lunch, came back, ate but I wasn’t hungry. then I took a nap till 2. then woke up and studied for psych. at 5, Dom,Christine,and Meranda left. and it was the last time I was going to see them till next year, unless I see them during the summer. Brooke left too =/ urggg. it was sad but I had to still study. at 5:30, Ajith and I went to outtakes and then to the test. the final was pretty easy. I got an A on it cause I checked my answers!! Sarang and I went to the commons but then I saw Conor. and omg this boy is ridiculous. he just like picked me up and carried me away. likeeee what even LOL. hahah, I went to the atm with him, we talked, and then came back. Ajith had come back by that time. we got food and Rose came and joined us. I was done with all of my exams. I could breatheeeeeee. came back and I was just in the common room by myself, just thinking of things. at 11, Ajith came and decided to watch something so we watched an episode of supernatural. then he went to bed and I just stayed cause I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep no matter how tired I was. I eventually went to bed and that was my last day of freshmen year.

Sat/Sun 18,19,2013:My Weekend

Saturday: woke up real late.Meranda came and we were all still in bed lol. and then John,Rose,Meranda,Ajith,Laura,Rafay,and I went to McDonalds and Taco Bell for lunch. and we ate there. and all that took until 3 o’clock. so much time was spent. and then we came back and by the time I actually started studying, it was like 6. cause Tulsi also came with Mark. and haha he is funny. and apparently, he said “I was too cute for words” =] but I finally started studying. Ajith and I studied in the basement and I got stuff done! omg and Ajith showed me grooveshark and it is better than pandora! we worked till 11 I believe. and then we went upstairs and everyone was having fun in ma room. so we joined. lol they all drank again. Rafay got drunk again,  lol, I took 2, but yeah, everyone did. and it was the last time we would be able to this school year. it was fun, they put on another movie. and then I fell asleep. 

Sunday: I thought I had set my alarm for 8:30 but nope, woke up at 12. but then started studying right away. we did bio the whole day…and all night. LOL. I also hid rafay’s phone and he thought he lost it again. it was hilar. lol Rafay and Dipal went and hunted down this girl for the bio exam q. we studied until 4, which is when I was like ok, I will take a nap. so I took a nap till 5:30 in the common room. like I always do. and then rafay woke me up and we were going over stuff and I was like uhh I will not remember any of this so I went back to sleep. and slept from 6-7. I wake up to see meranda there and I was like, “I am so sorry you have to see me like this”. and it was Monday!

woohoo!… -__-

Thurs/Fri.May 16,17 2013:My Day

Thurs: today, I woke up early cause I had to finish with that chem grind. I just did Chem the whole day. Sarang, Dipal, Ajith, rafay, and I did the ACS packet all night. Then they all left cept Rafay and then ruba came and we did more chem. then Rafay and I got back to our room and saw Ajith sleeping. haha he is soo cute. we fell asleep. i looked over the questions that I would have to do for my Media and Comm final. and then I went to sleep.

Fri: I woke up at 8:30 today lol. and started working on the media final. urggg. I had until 3 which is when my chem final is. I finished half of it by 12. then I did chem until it was time to go. took the chem final which wasn’t that bad but I don’t ever know anymore. BUT IT WAS OVAA. I finished half an hour early and I got back to pataps as early as I could. then I finished the media final before 7 so it’s all good. I just chilled until then. we all hung out. omg Sarang,Dipal,and Christine messaged Rajan as me. and told him I had a bf. and omg, that is all i have to say about it. lol. they said sarang was my bf and it was funny cause his profile pic has me in it. and then dips took his phone and friended him. lol. oh Lord. after they left, we had our orgy party. I think A was the only one to drink.. they put on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! LOL it was hilarious cause every time a song came on, Ajith would sing a long and he knew every word. lol omg. he would talk about something and then I would start to say something and then he would be like, wait shhhh, then he would start singing. LOLL. so adorable. yup, done with 2 finals. until tomorrow when I have to study for 3.

Wed. May 15, 2013:My Day

lol, today, we woke up pretty late. J and Aj sleptover. Meranda and Tulsi came so we had to get up. they started doing chem in the common room but they were having another puppy event so Ajith,Meranda,Tulsi,and I went down to the quad to see the puppies. and there were a few cute ones.LOL omg. so the very first puppy we saw, we were all petting him and he was SOO cute. and we were all like, “who’s a good puppy, who’s a good puppy?” and Ajith pets him and says the same thing and the puppy turns to him and goes RUFF and like, almost bites Ajith. and ohmyGod. Tulsi,Meranda,and I could NOT stop laughing. AHAH we were like, ohhhkay, we are moving away from that one. we saw other puppies but then it started raining so we left and went to the commons. they were having a commuter breakfast and was like, TAKE FOOD. so we all took breakfast food. I got a bagel omggg. we ate at the commons and then came back to pat. I went to the basement to work on chemistry on my own. rafay came in the mean time. I went back up and we did chem together. we basically spent the night doing chem. Sarang, Dipal,Ajith,Rafay,and I went over some practice exams. after that, we went back to our room and chilled. I think they drank a little…I forget.

but yeah, that was today.

oh, the awkward moments in my life…

so my Mom and brother just came to pick up some of my things so my move is easier. and the past 15 mins must be the most awkward and funniest moments of my life. lol. My brother came up and he met Rafay and we were standing in the hallway for a good 30 secs. deciding if Rafay needed to help. and in the mean time, I was like to Rafay, go get Ajith cause I’m not knocking on his door. so he goes while my brother and I take some stuff out. I go out and see my Mommyyyy and she’s out and everything. and then I see Rafay and Ajith walking down the stairs carrying my books. and I am like ohmyGod. LOL. my Mom was inside the car and they come and introduce themselves. my Mommy was so cute lol but it was SO awkward. she knew Ajith. lol. but yeah, and then they were talking and I didn’t realize what my Mom was saying cause the moment was just toooooo awkward. so I was like, ok byeee! and was about to close the door. lolll. and then we just walked away and could not stop laughing cause that whole ordeal was: a.w.k.w.a.r.d. lol omg. and my brother just said, “sup” to them. urggg. omg. I have such an awkward family. no wonder I am awkward too. lol.

but yeah, my Mommy finally met some of my good friends =]
May 19,2013

Tues.May 14,2013:My Day

Today I woke up for my last bio 142 discussion. it was so pointless going there cause all we did was a post test that was worth participation points.  -_- it only took me 30 mins. so at 9, I went to starbucks till my 11:30 class. So.pointless. I could have slept more. anyway, I went to media and comm, for the last time. thank you Lord. I am just so over that class. I liked it for a long time but then it got boring and pointless and I had so much to do for other classes and I didn’t want to spend time reading for a gen ed class. oh and this is possibly the last time I will have a class with John? it was nice lol. our class kind of ended early. I met with Laura to have lunch at the sportszone. After lunch, I went back to my room to take a nap but then I went on the comp and was talking to rafay. and he was like, ok I’m coming lol. so he comes. and LOL he’s been walking around with his wee little computer communicating through facebook because he lost his phone. LOL. so I was chatting him and I was like hey I’m going to the common room, text me if you need me online. and he was like ok, I will. text me if you find my phone. LOLOL. I forgot he lost his phone. lol anyway, then Brooke came and was like I’m eating my lunch, someone keep me company. so I went with her with my pillows and blanket. rafay,she,and I talked till rafay left and I had to take my nap. so I went back and slept till 4:30. then ajith comes and wakes me up, and I was having this dream that all of us indians were going to NYC for this indian thing. lol. I was dressed up and everything! I LOVE dressing up in Indian clothes. anywho..I woke up and then Rose came and we were like ok, we will nap till 5:45 which is when the doggies were coming. We got ready and went and there were only like 4 dogs. and they were dogs, not puppies. so we were like… but they were cute. there was one named Patches, SO.ADORABLE. then we went to the Patapsco BBQ picnic. and there was decent food there! we had popsicles and chips and drinks and hotdogs and burgers and stuff. we sat outside and ate. and ok, it’s the end of May and the weather is bull. urgg. after we finished eating, we went to outtakes and then we went back to the common room. and I did chem. Sarang, Dipal, Ajith(kind of), and I finished that chem practice exam. at 11, we went to the midnight desserts at grits. omg they had funnel cake and cookies and donuts. good stuff. we came back to the common room and now I am just chilling. 

Last. Day. of Classes. for freshmen year. I cannot believe it.

it’s all just studying for finals until next week.

Mon. May 14,2013:My Day

today, I woke up at 9 cause I wasn’t going to Chem. I got up, which I really did not want to and got ready for Bio. I had my last bio class today. but did I pay attention to anything? nope. after bio, I went to starbucks for a while. then I went back to the dorms and started working on chem. Sarang came and worked for a while. then tulsi,meranda,rafay came. ajith,lolo,conor, we all just hung out till it was psych time. I went to psych and he went over pointless things. and then told us he lost one of our exams. the one I got a good A on. … life is just great. 

I came back to the dorms and ate. then I went to the basement and started the ACS practice with Sarang and Ajith. Dipal later joined us and we did pretty well in learning. idk how the final will be though. we did chem for a LONG time, like almost 4 hours or so. but then I couldn’t anymore. way too much chem. so now I am sitting in the common room, listening to music. and thinking.

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Sat/Sun: May 11/12,2013: Didn’t think my weekends could get any more ratchet.

Sat: so today, we all got out of bed at like 1. I had woken up at like 8:00 thinking it was 11 and I’m like om everyone is still sleeping. but then a while after I decided to look at my phone and saw that it was only 8:30!!!! I got SO happy, I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know why I had woken up so early. anyway, so I went back to sleep and I kept on having these weird dreams. it was a cycle-fall asleep, weird dream,wake up. fall asleep, weird dream,wake up. the last time I woke up, it was like 12 but of course we all just stayed in bed and talked till we felt like getting up. we also decided to go to brunch. It was John,Matt,Rafay,Ajith,Brooke,Rose,Ruba,and I that went to brunch. after brunch, we came back and I talked to Aji and Raf. and then went and had a talk with my friend. it took a really long time. I came back and joined Rafay and Ajith in the common room. I first walked in with all my stuff and then look at my spot and there is this  brown guy that I had never seen before sitting on my spot. so I sit with them at the table. and then we are playing songs and to make fun of me, Ajith plays Kuch Kuch Hota Hai thinking it would offend me. ……..that is my most favorite song. It made me so happy and omg SRK, what I would do for him. so of course I had to watch the video. and lol Rafay and I were singing along. then we put on Maahi Ve. and it was hilarious, that brown guy was judging us so hard. he was like smiling and trying not to laugh. and then Joe came in and was like, I’m playing pokemon. and rafay starts talking about it and asking him what kind of bat pokemon he likes and joe is like I like this bat and that bat. I don’t like fruitbat. and rafay goes, why are you being judgmental towards bats? and I saw the brown guy laughing. it was hilariousssss. anyway, Rose,John,and Matt were cooking in the basement and the food was ready so we all went down. we started eating but then Conor’s improv show was about to start and we wanted to leave half an hour before so we were trying to be fast. then Christine called and said she was here, so that was awkward. i went up to get her and she was alone cause we were all down there so Ajith stayed with her. and then meranda came. we got our stuff and Brooke,Justine,Dan,Chris,Ajith,Meranda,Christine,and Rafay went to see Conor in the Improv show. The show was SOO good. it was SO funny. my favorite was the Little Red Riding Hood game. omg. and DomDom joined us a little later. after the show, we came back and chilled in my room. Rafay made prank calls about Hemorrhoid problems. it first started with Rose and I telling him he couldn’t stay anymore. and then ajith joined in saying there was some stuff he found on the bed. and then matt and john joined in. it was HILARIOUS  and then the commuters came and was so confused. and Rafay started going along with it too saying it was Hemorroid problems. and then he called  people wanting to know how he could solve it.Matt first gave him a number saying it was this doctor’s number but then a girl picked up. and she was so confused but at the end, she was like, Ajith I am going to punch you in the face when I see you and hung up. Apparently it was then he actually called a doctor in med school and omg, he took his time to hear stupid rafay. it was hilarious. we all just talked. meranda had left. christine and dominick looked through all of Rafay’s photos. that is always entertaining. then Brooke said she had to talk to me. so at 11, I left to talk to her and we walked around for a bit to talk. then I was like, I need to spend some time with her so we went to the lobby and watched SNL with Dan. Christine and Dom left. at 12, i went back to my room, cleaned the room, took a shower, and then got ready for the movie. but uhh…

we started drinking too lol. Johnand Matt had gotten 2 bottles of Fireball? I took 5-6 shots. omg. and I knew the last one was a bad idea. but yeah, they weren’t that bad. it could have been worse. I liked the cinnamon one but urgg. at first I was fine. but then it started kicking in. and I could feel it, but then Aj is like, take one more with me and he had 10 all together. so I was like ok I’ll take one last one with you and that was not a good idea. lol. I knew I was done. I actually got drunk. Logan was there too! tonight, it was Matt,John,Rose,Ajith,Logan,Rafay,and I. and to see how I would walk, Logan and Ajith and I went in the hallway to get water and omg..I was all over the place. so I went back inside. and yeah, it was a long night. I remember me talking A LOT. and I know I was cussing A LOT too. I called Rafay a little bitch LOL cause he was talking about nonsense. I was like he needs to sush. then I called Ajith a little bitch cause he was snoring away. and I remember me being like, omg who does that?! like chhhhhh (cause that’s how it sounded like). I said I would marry Logan lol. I hit my head so many times. I threw up which my friends took care of me with. SO many things happened and I never want to do that ever again. I never thought I would ever do such a thing. but honestly, I am so grateful for the friends I have because they are the reason I even considered trying drinking. I trust them so much and we had so much fun. This is not something I am always going to do. I might never do this again cause I don’t really want to anymore. but to experience it with them, I consider myself lucky. cause we all know we would take care of each other. I felt safe. I have had a lot of new experiences this year. it’s college, I have my own freedom, and I think to myself, I need to live a little. I am glad that the friends I do have are the ones I can cherish any moment one really watched the movie lol. I eventually fell asleep, I don’t even know when. 

Sun. First of all, Happy Mother’s Day to the strongest woman I know. I don’t know what I would do without her.  -We woke up at 12. went to lunch. I have been trying to study the whole day but I haven’t been feeling very good from the other night lol. I don’t have a headache or anything. I just don’t feel good and a lot of things are on my mind. idk. I have been playing Kuch Kuch Hota Hai non stop lol. I watched Matt,John,and Ajith play Cry of Fear. Matt,John,Ajith,Rose,and I went to salsaritas for dinner. I still have so much to do but I actually don’t feel like doing anything. 

Where I stand now with things. I still don’t know what to believe with certain things. I know that I do mean a lot to certain people..I think. and I give people my all. People know I will always be there for them, they can trust that. but once you lose my trust, it is really hard for me to look at you the same way again.and in the middle of everything, my friend got mad yesterday because I wasn’t there for something I promised I would be. and idk, so many things are going on and there are so many things people expect from me.and I have no problem with that. I just don’t know who is really there for me and who will be there for me like they promise. I also don’t know if the things I say to certain people even go through them and if they mean anything to them. and what hurts the most is that everything I say, I truly mean it.  I really just need to start being ok by myself again. Maybe I should start living in the moment rather than thinking of what might happen in the future all the time. idk what to do. but all I know is, I am thankful for those who are in my life.

Crazy.ass.weekend. omg. now..for those finals..